


Estuary

by spacetarantula



Category: Psychonauts
Genre: Friendship, Gen, One Shot, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 04:06:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14072547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacetarantula/pseuds/spacetarantula
Summary: Dogen tries to help Raz cope with no longer being a big fish in a small pond.





	Estuary

**Author's Note:**

> shoutout to all the helpful folks on discord who gave feedback on my rough draft. 

Predictably, Raz is the first of the two to snap his book closed. It falls with a thump on the scuffed cafeteria table. There's a few seconds of silence, then Dogen looks up with a soft "huh?" from a heaping pile of black and white copied pages and hastily scrawled notes he's been poring over.

Raz rubs his eyes and temples with the palms of his hands. "I can't believe we have to memorize so much stuff," Raz grumbles. "None of this is going to matter out in the field anyway." He glances out the window at the last streaks of sunlight in the sky, wishing he was out there right now instead of poring over a book full of Psychonaut protocol. Dogen quietly wipes his nose on his sleeve, the dark green fabric of the psi-cadet uniform conveniently hiding any traces of snot that may have clung to it.

Dogen works on finding the right words to reply with while Raz leans his chair back, balancing it precariously on two legs. Other than the creaks of protest from Raz's chair, the cafeteria is mostly quiet. Once Dogen has chosen what he wants to say, he breaks the silence. "You've got to learn the rules, Raz. What if you didn't? You could do something against regulation and not even know it. That could get you kicked out of the Psychonauts."

Raz's posture visibly stiffens, and he frowns down at his closed book. Dogen isn't trying to pry into Raz's head, but his friend is unintentionally broadcasting bits and pieces of internal monologue. "What would I do?" and "...miserable back at the circus." are among the snippets Dogen manages to pick up. It's clear to Dogen that his warning has Raz pretty rattled, and he feels a little bad about it; he never intended for it to cause Raz any distress.

Before Dogen can say anything else, Raz lets his chair fall back into proper position and scoots backward with a screech as the metal feet scrape against the linoleum. "I'm going outside." Raz says, and starts off toward the door.

Dogen packs up both his and Raz's study material and follows. There's an early Autumn chill to the air, but it's far from properly cold. Stalking ahead on his much longer legs, Raz heads toward the psi-blasting range, but veers sharply at the last minute. He keeps moving onward, and stops at a field littered with old appliances and car frames and other heavy debris that the psi-cadets practice telekinesis on. Raz lifts a dented washing machine effortlessly with his mind and hurls it into a stack of tires; he's emanating frustration like a beacon. Dogen leans against what used to be the bucket on a front end loader and watches him quietly.

Approximately ten minutes later, Raz has either telekinetically smashed enough garbage to work the frustration out of his system or he's realized mindless destruction isn't going to make him feel better. He stops throwing things around and joins Dogen in leaning against the loader's bucket. The tension that follows is something Dogen isn't sure what to make of, and he respects Raz as a colleague and a long-time friend too much to try any psychic snooping. Instead, he asks, "Hey, are you okay?"

He can feel Raz's defenses go up reflexively, but they come back down just as fast. There's no need for him to be guarded when it's just the two of them. Raz shrugs. "It's stupid and I don't know if you'd get it."

That almost stings, but Dogen doesn't admit it to Raz. Spending the majority of his life lost in a cloud of psychic noise has given a lot of people the impression that he's stupid or slow. Impressions that still follow him, even though he's learned to shut out the interference, and he resents them. "Why don't you think I'd get it?"

"Because," Raz explains, not looking at Dogen. "You didn't know how to control your abilities right away. No offense."

"None taken," says Dogen, although he would have taken offense if anyone but his best friend had brought up his past struggles.

"Back when we were kids, everyone told me I was so talented and special. I never even considered anyone could be as good as me, or better. And now?" Raz slowly slides downward, until he's sitting on the patchy grass. "Everyone here can do everything I can." He rests his chin on his hands and glowers at the scrapyard. "It just... really blows to wake up one day and see everybody's all caught up and you're not some cool prodigy anymore, yeah?" Raz's voice sounds slightly strained as he finishes speaking. Like he's trying not to let on exactly how upset he is.

Dogen wordlessly takes a seat beside Raz and pats him on the back. Raz was right, he really doesn't know what to think or say. He knows he owes it to his friend to try to help, though, even if all he can do is listen.

The frustration emanating from Raz peaks and becomes proper anger. He turns back so that he and Dogen are facing the same direction again. "What if this is it? What if this is the best I'm ever gonna be? What if I'm stuck in an office and only agents out in the field are the ones with superpowers like you?"

Raz is saying all of this so fast that Dogen is just barely able to keep up, and it doesn't help that he's got to try to focus on the words spewing from his friend while he maintains the constant, required level of control on his own mind. He misses a bit of Raz's ranting, but he's caught the majority of it and gets where he's coming from.

Eventually, Raz wears himself out talking and stops, giving Dogen an opportunity to speak up. "So you're afraid of inadequacy?" Dogen asks, although after listening to Raz go off, he's basically just asking rhetorically. He watches Raz, who is now slumped forward at an angle Dogen would have assumed near impossible for the average human body. "And…" Dogen pauses, suddenly aware of his own frustration bubbling up inside him. "...You think I'm going to be so good it puts you out of the job?"

Raz unfolds into a more reasonable sitting position before responding. "Yeah, I guess." He exhales slowly. Not quite a sigh, but still a gesture of exasperation. "I told you it was stupid."

"It is," Dogen says bluntly, and feels a jolt of surprise from Raz. "All you're thinking about is how you don't get to feel special anymore. But you've never thought about how psychics like me have it."

"Hey," Raz replies, defensive. "I'm sorry, okay? God. I wasn't trying to make you mad. You asked what my problem was and I told you."

Dogen pinches the bridge of his nose. "No, it's okay." He stops to collect his thoughts, and Raz sits quietly picking at the grass until he's ready to talk again. "Raz, I'm not mad. I just don't think you've considered what I've had to deal with."

Raz is looking at him now, not quite sure what to make of Dogen's sudden shift in mood.

"It's kind of insensitive," Dogen manages to explain.

"How? Like, you really do have superpowers."

Dogen rubs his chin and wracks his brain for the right words to make Raz understand him. "Yeah, I know. But people treat me like I've got a bomb strapped to my chest." Raz is squinting in that specific way he does when the gears are turning in his head. It gives Dogen hope that he might finally be getting his point across. "And you know, it really is like carrying a bomb around. If I lose control people could die."

Raz sits and thinks for a good long while after that. The sun has fully set by then, and it's starting to get a bit chilly. His anger has fizzled out and been replaced with a low level of sadness. Dogen puts his hands under his arms to keep them warm and waits.

"Hey Dogen?" Raz taps Dogen's upper arm while he speaks to make sure he's got his friend's attention. His voice has gone uncharacteristically quiet. "Dogen, I'm sorry about what I said."

"It's okay, I know you weren't trying to be hurtful."

"Yeah, but it was kind of a dickheaded thing to say." Raz has returned to his usual mannerisms, and Dogen is glad he didn't take long to bounce back. "It's just… man, there's so much more learning and memorizing than I expected. How do you do it?"

Dogen is almost startled by the sudden compliment, but keeps his composure. "I don't know. I just kind of sit down and do it."

Raz's only reply is a dramatic groan.

"It's okay, Raz, I know you can do it. And I'll help you study." Dogen tilts his head toward Raz. "Like how you helped me in Basic Braining." He stands, and offers Raz a hand up. "Come on, let's go inside."

"Dogen?" Raz says as they make their way toward the training facility's bright floodlights. "Thanks."

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to critique or just point out and typos or places i’ve accidentally a word.


End file.
